A letter to my Inner Career Compass

Dear Inner Career Compass,

I thought you were supposed to accompany my goal orientation, help me to make my career moves and draw my heart closer to a pathway which I can call my own. But instead you have left me unable to trust that the direction you are pointing me in is the right one. And why should I trust you? You are after all only concerned about Maria's own needs. This may have worked well in the past but I have husband now and I'd like to prepare for at least a couple more additions to the family. Aside from being utterly selfish you are also unbelievably slow. The directions that you give have to be translated from feeling to thought to deed in order to be recognised. This is made even worse by the fact that you keep changing direction which every hypothetical magnet that I am near to, friends, family, peers - current, future and past. I am waiting for you to point me towards somewhere utterly unexpected and different, completely illogical and unexplained. Only then will I know I am not getting my goal mixed up with somebody else's. 

I look forward to hearing back from you. 

Regards,

Maria

The cold

I have a cold and a sore throat and have been coughing lots. But on the bright side winter is almost over and I'm still alive... :D I made it through the winter in my freezing cold room!! the only relief I get from the harsh living conditions is to go to the library and sit next to a radiator or in the stuffy computer room, take a long hot bath, and drink boiling hot tea whilst under 2 duvets and a blanket. I try to do these as often as I can.

I have noticed my depression has lifted in the last few weeks which means I can enjoy my life again! I love time, NOTHING heals like it! Life feels amazing again. My automatic reaction to everyday events isn't just sorrow, but actual joy about possible new outcomes... so I am still a bit scared of making mistakes, but like my friend told me the other day, you HAVE to make mistakes and there's nothing wrong with that.

Apart from my looming deadlines which are constantly negotiating my happiness, I feel free as a bird again. Free as a bird with chronic fatigue syndrome. But still a free bird. I am more than ready for a change now.

Take it day by day...

Why do I feel like everyday is exactly the same, yet I know I've changed since last week.
If I have the power to create, why can't I create something AMAZING! The things I have achieved (manifested) I am very very proud of, but I would like these achievements to happen ALL THE TIME. Can you imagine if they happened straight away.. like as soon as you decide something, like "right, I'm going to be nice and warm" and bam.. I'm nice and warm. I'm only using this as an example because my room is freezing.

Oh and that's another thing, I only ask for 3 things in my life: food, water and cosiness.. and I am currently getting the first two. I would do anything to swap my massive freezing room for a small cosy room.
I suppose nothing will be worse than my cousin's old room, which was chilly and large, with no wall to desperate it from the rest of the (old and drafty) house, and had an average room temperature of -2 degrees. Putting on a mini fan heater would only put the temp up by 0.00001 degrees.

Scammer loving

So I had this great idea that I would sell my phone.
A pretty good phone, but way to complicated for me. I'm pretty sure that over the 7 month period of owning the phone I only used about 20% of it's features. Which is why money was a better option.
So using Gumtree, I found a buyer, recieved a payment for a nice sum of money, and sent off the item.

Except I didn't actually recieve the payment, but a fake email from Paypal.

Having done all that I could do to try and get the package back, I accepted life. Good and bad go hand in hand. If this is the bad, well, it could be worse.

The only thing that would now give me satisfaction was to reply to what I thought was my nice trustworthy buyer.

My reply:


Hey Karen


I've sent you the item.
I regret this now as I realise that you have sent me a fake PayPal email.


I really hope that one day you realise that what you are doing is not only, in my eyes bad, but also very unnecessary.
In God's world we are all one. What's mine is yours, what's yours is mine. If you want my phone that badly? Take it. Remember, believe in yourself, believe in your life, believe in love, kindness, trust, happiness, freedom. I hope that one day you will capture a glimpse of what it feels like to never NEED anything, and to ALWAYS see the world as it really is, a spiritual place where you express who you are by your actions, and not a material world where you express who you are by your material items/money/power.
You put wrong doing into the world, you are hurting YOURSELF most. I'm sure I don't need to tell you this.


It's never too late to change.


Best wishes
Maria
x


On Fri, Oct 1, 2010 at 9:11 AM, Karen Chan <karenchan79@gmail.com> wrote:
> Hello Maria,
>     I have send the money right now and i have got a payment receipt
> from the PayPal care concerning the transaction. I hope you should
> have got a PayPal payment Confirmation mail by now, so i will you to
> get the item shipped via Royal Mail Service OR Fedex as soon as
> possible to this address below:
>
>(Taken out to protect my lovely buyer)
>
>
> Please check your inbox/junk mail to see the Paypal payment notification
> Hope to hear from you soon with the tracking number .
> Nice doing business with you
> Best Regards

bed time

Hello!

Lately I've been getting myself in the habit of going to sleep late. I mean really late, like 3am. This is because it's not only quite fun to stay up and do random things, but also I can do many a random things when my parents are away, which they currently are. This means, dancing and music at 1am, food at 2am, and cleaning the house in the middle of the night. It also serves as a major distraction from the fact that I am essentially going to be alone for the next week. The good thing about staying up late when you are lonely, is that you wake up so late that half your day is gone. Which somehow seems to make time flow much quicker.

Today I woke up at 1pm from an awesome dream about being lost in some sort of ghetto somewhere and meeting someone who adored me so much that they became my personal body guard (they also happened to be very good looking) and protecting me from thieves and even took a bullet for me.

Going to bed now as I have an acupuncture appointment at noon tomorrow! can't wait :D

I want a job so badly!

Getting a job isn't easy at all. At least that's what I thought before today. I spent my morning on Gumtree looking in the jobs sections. Found some pretty interesting things, but mostly there were links to those questionnaire sites that give you like 50p for every hours you spend on it. To be honest I did sign up but it will probably not contribute much to my finances and a lot to my email inbox.

And then there was this guy who straight away wanted to give me a job. Imagine my surprise! He wanted to give me, a poor inexperienced student with serious energy level deficiencies, a job. So he sends me information about the company and I read it, I watch a few videos he sends me and then I realise that this isn't a real job. It's a confusing network marketing thing and I have no idea what to do or how to do it. It's a company which wants you to recruit members and sell their products, but you don't have to sell their products you can just recruit members but somehow still be paid and it gives you security and flexibility and make your dreams come true and blah blah blah... Meh. This guy really wants me and I kind of already said yes without really knowing what I was saying yes to. I have to give him a ring so we can have a "ten minute chat" about stuff. It all sounds a little bit dodgy.

Oh btw look at this pea and ham soup I ate yesterday, that looks dodgy too...

Riddle

What's an invisible, chronic, illness/disease/condition/health impairment which causes constant tiredness among with many other symptoms, can cause complete immobility, has no cure, has different names, is often misdiagnosed or unrecognised, and sometimes not even believed to be real?

Chronic fatigue syndrome or M.E


OK. Here goes! My very first blog. What am I blogging about? ME. of course (see what I did there?) but also a persistent part of me which has controlled most of my days in the past year. Call it whatever you want to call it. It is there but you can't see it. Nothing too exciting, just a boring, misunderstood and frustrating part of my life which won't go away. It makes me want to lie down, sleep, sit, stare, and do the bare minimum. I've never been a "bare minimum" person but that's just it, it's like the whole purpose of the illness is to flip my whole life as I knew it on it's head. This is why I'm inside on a Saturday night and why I have been the week before, and the one before that...

I will keep this blog as a diary of my experiences and maybe it will help me become a better person and more aware of what I have to be grateful for. I have to keep reminding myself that every negative brings positives. Everything in life is a cycle, I think women understand this more than men! I am aiming to ride this out however long it will take. AND have fun with it, learn with it, be patient with it, take advantage of it, become best friends with it. HA I know that sounds ridiculous. But actually, it is the logical thing to do, why struggle to go against something, when you can relax and go with it? Of course I'm not talking about physically, just mentally!
As many people know, part of this illness is the feeling of being completely useless, everyday is a struggle. But it has really opened my eyes to things I never ever would have stopped to appreciate. It has been a struggle that's for sure, that's why I think my next life will be a piece of cake, not even that, my next life will be the cherry on top of the cake!

So I'm trying to learn more about it, I've placed a bid on an eBay book called "beating fatigue", I'll let you know if it's any good.